I read this article on iVillage yesterday, and I could really identify with it. I am a pessimist from the word go. I try not to be but I always see the glass as half empty instead of half full. I know I am passing this trait onto Nathaniel and it is not good. When we all come home from school and work the first thing we do is talk about the bad things that happened to us that day and after reading this article I realized just how much it was affecting us. So this week we started telling one positive thing that happened to each of us everday as we sat down at the dinner table. Corny? Maybe but it sure has made for a more positive week.
-----
How to Turn Pessimistic Kids into Optimistic Thinkers
By Diane Randall on September 25, 2009 10:23 AM
"Why should I bother? You know they won't choose me."
"What's the point? I'll never make the team."
"Why are you making me go? You know I won't have fun."
Let's face it: Kids with pessimistic attitudes are among the most frustrating breeds. They give up easily, believe anything they do won't make a difference, and assume they won't succeed. Sadly, they rarely see the wonderful things in life. They dwell instead on the negative, bad parts, and often find only the inadequacies in themselves: "I'm so dumb, why study?" "Nobody's going to like me, why bother?" (The trend is increasing: a child today is ten times more likely to be seriously depressed compared to a child born in the first third of this century.) So what's a parent to do?
First, do know that I empathize if you have one of these little critters. I know this is troubling stuff, and at times even heartbreaking. After all, the hardest parts of being a parent are the times when your child isn't happy. But there is one point you must keep in mind: Kids are not born pessimistic. Research shows a large part of this attitude is learned along the way. So take heart: research at Penn State University concludes that parents can help their kids become more optimistic. Doing so will dramatically increase the likelihood of your son or daughter's long-term happiness. So roll up your sleeves, and let's get started. Here are secrets that will make a real difference in your child's life, from The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.
1. Eliminate the negatives you can. Start by doing what you can do: Cut the sources that might be exacerbating your kid's pessimism. Why not reduce the terrifying news on CNN; stop talking about the bad stuff on the front page; listen to your own negative talk and curb it; monitor the cynical musical lyrics your kid is hearing? Where once those tragic and terrifying world events seemed so far, far away or only printed words in the newspaper, they are now 24/7 on our TVs and Internet screens. So be more vigilant and turn off what you can control. Enough!
2. Look for the positive. Consciously stress a more optimistic outlook in your home so your child sees the good parts of life instead of just the down side. For instance, start nightly "Good News Reports": each family member can report something good that happened that day to him or her. Or share optimistic stories. The world is filled with examples of individuals who suffered enormous obstacles, but didn't cave in to pessimistic thinking. Instead they remained optimistic, and kept at their dreams until they succeeded. Look for those examples to share with your kids.
• Institute goodness reviews. Each night start a new ritual with your child of reviewing all the good parts about her day. Your child will go to sleep remembering the positives about life. If you do it often enough, it will become a routine that she will do on her own.
3. Confront pessimistic thinking. Don't let your child get trapped into "Stinkin' Thinkin'". Help him tune into his pessimistic thoughts and learn to confront them. You could point out cynicism by creating a code (pulling on your ear or touching your elbow) that only you and your kid are aware of. The code means he's uttered a cynical comment. Encourage your kid to listen to his own cynical comments and maybe count them for a set time period: "For the next few minutes listen to how many times you say downbeat things." A young kid can count comments on his fingers. An older kid can use coins, moving one from his left to right pocket.
4. Balance pessimistic talk. One way to thwart your kid's pessimistic thinking is by providing a more balanced perspective. If you use the strategy enough, your child will use it herself. Suppose she won't go to her friend's birthday, thinking no one likes her. Offer a more balanced view: "If Sunny didn't like you, you'd never have been invited." Or if your kid blows her math test, exclaiming that she's stupid, you can say: "Nobody can be good at everything. You're good in history and art. Meanwhile, let's figure out how to improve your math."
5. Deal with mistakes optimistically. Pessimists often give up at the first sign of difficulty, not recognizing that mistakes are a fact of life. Stress that it's okay to make mistakes. Give kids permission to fail so they can take risks. Admit your mistakes. It helps when kids understand that mistake-making happens to everyone. Or even call it another name. Optimists call mistakes by other names--glitch, bug, etc.--so rename it!
6. Encourage positive speculation. Help your child think through possible outcomes of any situation so he'll be more likely to have a realistic appraisal before making any decision--and less likely to utter a pessimistic one. Ask him "what if" kinds of questions to help him think about potential consequences. List pros and cons of any choice to help him weigh the positive and negative outcomes. Or name the worst thing that could happen if he followed through, so he can weigh if it's all that bad.
7. Acknowledge a positive attitude. Do be on the alert for those times your child does utter optimism. If you're not looking for the behavior, you may well miss those moments when she's trying a new approach. "Kara, I know how difficult your spelling tests have been. But saying you think you'll do better was being so optimistic. I'm sure you'll do better because you've been studying so hard."
Face it, this is a troubling time to be growing up, and cynical kids tune into the bad times, often seeing only the down side of any situation. The world really is a wonderful and hopeful place. We just need to take the time and point out all the goodness in it to our kids. After all, this is their world, and the habits they learn now will last them a lifetime. Let's make sure that one of those habits is optimistic thinking.
Get more Parenting Solutions by following @MicheleBorba on Twitter.
----
Posts
